Clothes can be overrated.
Once I thought that when people got to know each other and really cared you could tell them anything. How you felt even if it made no sense or was embarrassing and especially if it was a dark place you rarely let out of the box.
They would respond compassionately and not be offended if you have hurt them with part of your feeling because they knew you had a moment of weakness and confusion that was contradictory to your usual actions.
Instead, I ca__ot s_y wh__ I want to, need to, must get out to someone! At times it has nothing to do with you. You have tied your emotions into it and instead of me venting your venting. Who came to who to talk? So that subject is skipped for my mental health. With another topic my opinion is so different that we are unable to hear each other talk when we open our mouths. So I am dancing around the conversation just so it doesn’t end so abruptly.
It’s hard but I do my best to not be reactive when you talk. To listen to every word and change in tone. Almost never do I infringe on your space to speak. It hurts that I’m not permitted to speak freely. Some of my closest Life Family barely can see me. But could we still be friends if I stripped down to my natural state of being?
I guess for me honesty is incomplete for now. Others seem to have a better grasp on it but maybe just because they are a millimeter away from 20/20 or that could be me. And it is all so scary to put it out there with no fear of repercussions. Maybe I can still find my ground to walk on…
I recently started a new relationship and find myself with more questions then answers. I though it would be a relief, being connected intimately with a new friend, being able to open up on another level.
Yet, this is far from the case. I feel uneasy about the direction I have been traveling in. Although the sex is good it seems to be my new “partners” main use for me. We talk about her work and frustrations for the most part. I chime in with my day or random amusements only to find them being lost in translation half the time. She is listening but the bond seems to be loosing it’s luster quickly.
Am I doing the same to her? Could her response just be a reciprocation of my feelings?
How dangerous can the word relationship be? Every time she hears it a shift in her mood rises to the surface. I was talking to another girl when we started. After we consummated our lust I found myself regretting the pursuit of multiple women. We all but stopped talking and finally I told her there was someone else. The other girl took it well. Only I was still left in limbo as to where I stood with the one who’s company I still share. Where we together or just enjoying the extra benefits or in the grand scheme of things did what transpire mean little to nothing?
When I addressed my confusion she turned it back on me. “Well… what do you think?”
Pause. “We are together.” And with that I lost the opportunity to have any real answer.
As things have continued she seems to resist the idea every chance she can find. “If people ask I tell them your my girlfriend” she thinks the word ridiculous “I’m not advertising it but that’s what it is. What would you say?”
”I don’t like putting my business out there. People always talk and…..” She continued to beat around the bush before saying she would tell them we were together.
I know I am pushing to hard. She focuses first and foremost on work. Coming from a family with many strong women she is liberated. We work but don’t click. It’s fun and exciting but not fulfilling??? Short term is fine. Most relationships will end in separation not marriage but this urge for something more leaves me asking for it from the wrong person.
To a certain extent I feel like I am wasting her and my time because chances it lasts are very low. While I need these experiences to learn how to be a good partner and friend to my mate. So I am lost again:/ Should I continue to live a half truth or be honest and take the pain away before it can grow to big?
With more snapshots clarity and direction come too. I guess patience and deliberation are my conclusion for now.
Your mad at me cause of my brother?
Let me get this straight. He’s your man and your girlfriend is his girlfriend?
Hitting on me just for pretend?
Should I liktede it? be flatered? like you back?
I want to physically but cant stomach that shit?
If its fake say it dont string it out.
Even though physically I say no you cant hear me out.
I hate it. Bullshit. Stop talking if you dont meean it.
quite pullin shit.
Real frustrated, kinda sad, kinda realizing what i never had.
But its cool, must of been what i was askeing for.
I keep fining it and walking out the door.
What’s too deep. You arnt listining and i aint tryin to preaCH.
QUIT GLISSENING WHEN HE SPEAKS.
YOUR NOT HIS FOCUS NOR MINE.
SO STOP COMING AT ME ALL THE TIME THINKING ABOUT HIM.
H I M
AND LEAVE ALL ALONE
KNOW YOUR ROLE AND STAY AT HOME
This shit just fucked me up. Not putting it on anyone but myself. Sorry if its too much. Feeling alone with little hope right now. You might feel it and feel me but either way it doesnt matter. My life is mine and yours is yours. Just had to get that off my chest.
Love yourself first. Im still trying.
Love the tatts
Page 1 of 3